Friday, 7 December 2007

Kids Today

by Tobias Gregson

David Lindsay encounters some disrespectful youths on a bus. They were probably neo-conservatives or something. I jest. But did he reprimand them or did he just stand there with hate and fear boiling inside him? Most people would have just stood there. Depending how much I'd had at the Crown and Anchor, I would probably have just stood there saying nothing too.

With even middle-class youth becoming increasingly feral, I advise one of two courses of action when encountering trouble from what I like to call "Generation F***ed". The first is to keep silent and not make eye contact. This is the best thing to do on public transport, where escape is difficult and you have the saftey of the herd. The second course of action, which I employed recently when I discovered some particularly rat-faced specimens sniffing around the back of my house, is to shout obscenity-laden abuse whilst brandishing a metal chair leg. If you take the second course of action you must give the impression that you are mentally unstable, care not for your personal safety and that you are capable of unprovoked acts of extreme and random violence. You have to unleash without reticence: the more spittle, the more violent the threats and the more unhinged the profanity, the better. Just conjure the vilest words in your vocabulary and string them together like a jazz-poet with Tourettes. If for a minute they realise you are bluffing and that you are in fact a physical coward with no martial ability, you are done for. Despite being genetic flotsam and jetsam, junior scum-bags have acute fear detectors.

Interestingly, both these courses of action are suggested by the likes of Ray Mears for dealing with bears in the North American wilderness.

Taking the middle course of action, protesting disdainfully in a quiet English manner, will earn you a stabbing...I'm not sure what would happen if you tried it with a bear.


Edwin Hesselthwite said...

I am somewhat wary of this advice Tobias... Having some memory of what it was like to be an adolescent.

The world is a much smaller place for teenagers than it is for us, and thus an affront to them on their territory will be staring them in the face every day of their lives.

Challenging such people on a bus: certainly. Challenging them to protect your Car: definitely. Challenging them in the street: absolutely.

Challenging them outside your house: dangerous. I'd say you were lucky on this occasion, they may have been out of towners, but if you managed to catch your local scumbags (of which I certainly was one) this could have delivered you literally years of unpleasantness.

K said...

The podcast version of this is hilarious. I especially enjoyed the random inflections on certain words. "...a metal chair...leg"

Charles Pooter said...


That is actually how Tobias speaks.