Monday, 5 November 2007

Another Brick in the Wall

by Charles Pooter

Vindico has tagged me to name ten people I'd like to see bricked in the face. And he seemed like such a nice young man when I met him. For the record, I do not condone violence, except in self-defence...

...but they do say that the best form of defence is attack...

...they also say that one should attack with the element of surprise. It follows then, that the best defence is to attack before the other party has even thought of attacking you. Therefore, purely defenisively, I nominate the following for a good bricking:

  1. The Labour Party
    "Come out of her, my people, lest you share in her sins, and lest you receive of her plagues. For her sins have reached to heaven, and God has remembered her iniquities" (Revelation 18:4,5).
  2. The Conservative Party
    (See: "The Labour Party")
  3. The Liberal Democrats
    Best not mention "bricks", it'll give them an idea for an innovative new tax on environmentally unsustainable building materials. A whole year of campaign emails in my inbox with the words "liberty" and "freedom" almost entirely absent.
  4. The Swiss
    When I come back from holiday there are two queues to the immigration desks: one for the EU and one for the rest of the world. The EU queue is always a huge, tired and huddled mass of people yearning to get home for a cup of tea. The rest of the world queue always has one man from Kenya who gets to rush straight through. Bizarrely, the Swiss get to use the EU queue, even though they are not part of the EU. Come on guys, you're making our queue longer without even properly regulating your bananas! You cuckoo clock manufacturing, well-armed gits!
  5. HRH Queen Elizabeth II
    See Edwin's post here. Also, regarding the Commonwealth, I quote myself:
    DK is always banging on about strengthening ties with the commonwealth. This is something I agree with. But surely some of the blame for these ties loosening in the first place can be put at the door of QEII, her antecedents and her progeny.

    It is true that she is the Queen of England, Wales, Scotland and Northern Island. But she is also the Queen of Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Jamaica, Barbados, the Bahamas, Grenada, Papua New Guinea, the Solomon Islands, Tuvalu, Saint Lucia, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Antigua and Barbuda, Belize, and Saint Kitts and Nevis; Duke of Normandy, Lord of Mann, and Paramount Chief of Fiji. Her ancestors were the Emperors of the whole of India (including what is now Pakistan)

    ...And yet where does she choose to spend the vast majority of her time: Slough and Scotland. This is a provincial Monarch and provincial family with a
    provincial outlook. Where is the Queen's palace in Adelaide? Why no stately home for Charles in Wellington? Why doesn't the Princess Royal spend six months of the year in Bridgetown? Oh sure, they deign to jet off and meet their lowly foreign subjects every now and again, but they may as well be flying to Mars for all they know or care about the lives of these people.

    This is just another aspect of the neglect and dereliction of duty which is typical of Elizabeth and of her entire House.
    I should add, in case there is any ambiguity, that I nominate the Queen personally for a bricking and not the institution of the monarchy: that would probably be treasonous!
  6. ASH
    For God's sake enjoy a cigarette and chill out.
  7. The English
    You English are so predictable. You take your eye off the ball and let your country go to hell and then, as soon as night follows day, you'll have a right-wing populist backlash. If you sort things out now, fewer people will get shot.
  8. Humanity
    Why are you still stuck on Earth? Why haven't you terraformed Mars yet? Why does aging still exist. More importantly: Where the hell is my flying car?
  9. People who use the Daily Mail to end discussion
    Accusing someone of having an opinion shared with a theoretical Daily Mail editorial is the new way of saying "Hitler was a vegetarian":

    Quentin: "Immigrants help out the economy."
    Bob: "Yes, but perhaps there should be some kind of immigration control, so that public services can continue to function."
    Quentin: "Ooo, listen to Richard Littlejohn over there. Where's your Daily Mail? You couldn't make it up!"
    Bob: "Please accept this brick in your face."
  10. Ted Hoffman , Dom Corrigan, et al.
    Start posting again or I will brick you in the face!
Speaking of Corrigan and Hoffman, I nominate them to tell us who they want to be bricked in the face, which is probably gross bad form, but I don't care.

1 comment:

Vindico said...

Blimey, you want to Brick entire political parties? You thug :-)