Sunday, 14 January 2007

The More Realistic Bastard Operator From Hell

by Charles Pooter

The following is a parody of the BOFH that I wrote in my pre-blog days, which I've updated for your amusement. It is as true now as it ever was:

Episode 1

So the PFY and I are playing World of Warcraft. The PFY is smirking at a witty comment I have just made about the inherent instabilities of Windows and the stupidity of users, when the new Boss walks in. We have not yet been introduced.

"Hard at work I see." he says, attempting sarcasm.

"I resent your tone," I reply, "We are benchmarking the floating-point capabilities of these new servers".

I catch a glimpse of my profile out of the corner of my eye, reflected by a dormant 21" monitor, as I say this. I remind myself that personal appearance is not a relevant factor in UNIX administration.

The new Boss continues: "I couldn't give a rat's ass what you resent, you greasy little man. The supply of monomaniacal semi-qualified computer technicians entering the labour market is rapidly meeting demand. If you don't pull your finger out, I'll have you out of that door quicker than it takes you to recite the monologue at the beginning of Startrek."

I mumble a witty retort containing a clever reference to both Monty Python and Perl and the PFY smirks into his jumbo-sized bag of Monster-Munch.

"I want you to stay behind late tonight and sort the backup tapes." says the new Boss "And if you don't, I will fire you."

I try to protest, but I cannot come up with a realistic reason why I might be unavailable for work this evening. The new Boss just looks at me in disgust when I mention the Doctor Who marathon on UK Gold. I don't even bother trying to claim I have a prior engagement.

Instead I spend the rest of the day concocting homicidal fantasies involving the new Boss. I share them with PFY, while I set up some cron jobs and he smirks.

I'm so alone.

1 comment:

Cap Slog said...

Oh its so good to see the classicas still have relevance. Please keep it up, even if only to see what havoc can be brought upon those enemies of the BOFH - the boss!