Monday, 30 October 2006

Mouse dies screaming

by Edwin Hesselthwite

“They mostly come at night... mostly.”

After a night of rattling and gnawing I am sure that my flat has, yet again, attracted a rodent.

“Nk Nk Nk”

Lying sleepless in my bed I transcribe the little fucker's bizarre sounds, my mind centred on tearing his noisy little mammalian form into fragments. I have no problem living with invertebrates: it is known to me how many mites my bed, clothes and body are covered in, and I tolerate spiders as they devour the biggest of these – this is inevitable and you should not deceive yourself that you are clean… Members of the phylum Chordata are different, as far as I am concerned there is room for only one mammal here – and that is me.

In a previous, mixed gender, flat we had a similar problem. Here, my intentions to buy a mouse repeller – the ultrasonic emitters that smash into their tiny eardrums causing them grinding pain until they run from your home – were overruled. No, we must have a “humane mousetrap” and release them into a distant park where they can frolic and play on the meadows.

So, with one perspex prison erected in our kitchen, with a lump of peanut-butter as bait we promptly forgot about our verminous houseguest. It was only when the musky smell began to dominate that enlightenment came to my benevolent housemates.

A mouse form, already decaying, was trapped behind the swing-bin in the “humane mousetrap”, there was no peanut-butter there, and no water at all. His facial expression could no longer be determined, but on close inspection I have convinced myself I saw the impressions on the inside of his plastic tomb. A million tiny claw scrapes, his thin flexible claws barely able to get any purchase on the polished plastic, as he struggled to escape from his Poe-like demise.

Now, I do believe I must go through this process again. But this time I will not be deceived, the mouse traps must have traditional decapitating springs and blades – it’s the only humane thing to do.


Charles Pooter said...

Poison is better. They'll take the stuff back to their mousy offspring. Why kill one mouse when you can do in the whole family?

Bibliolatrist said...

Why, thank you for your nice comments regarding my blog, Mr. Hesselthwite. I will link to you as well, as soon as I can find the time to play around with my template.

See? I have little time to fiddle with my site - thus I take issue with your description of me as having "a truly scary amount of time on [my] hands."

Actually, the reverse is true; I simply make time for my priorities, one of which is reading. I watch very little television as well.

That, and I read faster than God. So there.

And how can there BE such a thing as "far too many book reviews"?

You are an enigma, indeed.

Edwin Hesselthwite said...

hmmm... Maybe my link was a little heavy handed - It has now been changed!

Bibliolatrist said...

Thank you! Much more accurate. I've added you as well. Thanks again for reading!