Monday, 10 April 2006

SOCA vs. ThunderCats

by Charles Pooter

This BBC Online Magazine article by Denise Winterman unfavourably compares the logo of the UK's new super-hero crime-fighting Stasi to that of the ThunderCats:

ThunderCats logo

SOCA logo

I thought it would be worth putting SOCA head to head with the ThunderCats in other respects, to see who is really king of the jungle. Let the battle commence.
Round 1: Leadership
Leader: Lion-O
Leader: Sir. Stephen Lander-O
As the son of Claudus, Lion-O is the hereditary Lord of the ThunderCats. As wielder of the Sword of Omens and possessor of The Sight Beyond Sight, Lion-O can call upon his many powers to help lead the ThunderCats against The Mutants and Mumm-Ra. Lion-O is has shown himself to be a natural, albeit somewhat impulsive, leader time and time again.
Score: 8/10
Sir Stephen is a Cambridge-educated bureaucrat with a good pension plan. After obtaining a doctorate in History and working at the Institute of Historical Research, in 1975 he joined MI5. He became Director-General of the Security Service in 1996. His tenure was marked by embarrassing leaks by former agents and defectors. Former agent Annie Machon said he "lacked presence and charm and belittled officers' work". Unlike Lion-O, he has no mystical powers or weapons. This year he was made Chairman of SOCA.
Score: 5/10
Round 2: Enemies
Enemies:Mumm-Ra and the Mutants
Enemies:Anyone they damn well feel like
The Mutants, residents of Castle Plun-darr are of low intelligence but operate in an alliance with the powerful, evil Mumm-Ra. Mumm-Ra is the undead focus of the Ancient Spirits of Evil: four wicked demi-Gods with practically infinite power, but who can only effect the material world through him. These enemies show their fiendishness by the fact that the ThunderCats have never been able to completely destroy them, only repel their latest plan so that everything returns to the same state as at the beginning of the episode.
Score: 9/10
Unlike the ThunderCats, whose role fighting Mumm-Ra The Ever Living is clearly laid out in a Government white paper, SOCA's enemies haven't been defined. SOCA aren't an agency of the Home Office, they are merely sponsored by them. They are subject to none of the normal reporting procedures and are the first agency to be explicitly exempted from the Freedom Of Information Act. SOCA can decide for themselves who their enemies are. We won't even know who they've targeted, though we'll no doubt read about their successes in The Sun. Yay!
Score: 5/10
Round 3: Tactics
Tactics:Shouting "Ho!" and charging at the enemy
Tactics:Informants, recruiting ex-crooks as agents and plea bargains
[No further description required]
SOCA have been given complete autonomy to offer plea bargains to serious criminals in exchange for information. They can also pay people large sums of money to become so-called "supergrasses". They also have the power to make pretty much anyone they like an agent of SOCA, including those with spent criminal convictions. They are also at liberty to shout "Ho!", though not at female suspects.

So SOCA scores 16/30, but The ThunderCats score 19/30.

Recently recruited SOCA agents probably feel like the dog's bollocks, with all their new-fangled police-state powers. However, it is clearly Lion-O and crew who are the cat's whiskers. Did you see what I did there? Snarf!