Friday, 6 January 2006

Bye Bye Chatshow Charlie

by Edwin Hesselthwite

With the pathetic political featherweight Charles Kennedy on his way to a red nose, rosacea and a new pair of kidneys, we find ourselves at a crossroads for a new leader for the Liberal Democrats. Surveying the assorted field of candidates, from the irritatingly SDP Simon Hughes (Sod off and join Gordon Brown’s Labour Party if you want to tax them till the pips squeek) to the frankly incompetent Sarah Teather (She’s my own MP, she’s done a good job for me as a glorified social worker, I voted for her at the last election and she should not be allowed to run the country) one becomes a little puzzled. None of them is suited to filling the leadership of the Party of Gladstone and Asquith.

Thus, bearing news of new technologies mixing modern genetics, the genius of Serbian scientist Nikolai Tesla, and the ancient art of mesmerism, we at the leading edge of our culture and technology offer a new solution:

Steps are already underway to disinter, from its resting place in Llanystumdwy, Wales, the dessicated corpse of David Lloyd George. A glorious return for the leader who gave the franchise to all working men, and giving the Liberals back a figurehead lacking the tainted mark of David Owen's apalling Social Democratic Party. An end to all these Scots in the executive - The Welsh are returning to government! All hail our new prime minister in waiting! Note should also be made that Shoggoth, our new shadow deputy prime minister, is in no way connected to The Cthulhu, and is not responsible for the hordes of entranced masses collecting in front of the London Eye.